I’ve tried to find it this year, I really have. Ironically, I think I’ve tried harder than any other year. I refused to stress about having things perfectly done, I did my best to be intentional about Advent, but I still couldn’t find the joy. I kept thinking it was just around the corner; get the kids out of school, let things slow down- I’d feel it then. Nope. I’m just distracted by the enormous open house we’re hosting for my husband’s colleagues- once that it over, it will “feel” like Christmas. We’ll bake cookies, listen to Christmas carols, relax and watch movies as a family. Um, no. Nothing but more feelings of frustration and sadness. What is my deal? I have no excuse; I know the joy and hope that is Christmas, I understand the magnitude of celebrating the birth of my Savior, and furthermore, I didn’t even set one foot in a mall this year! What could possibly make me feel so sad right now?
Christmas Eve came and went, with the only “tragedies” our blessed family experienced was finding one of my 4th grader’s frogs dead and not finding the copy of “Night Before Christmas” that we read every year. Still no excuse for the heaviness that seemed to envelop me.
Christmas morning was white, the presents were well chosen, our family was healthy, happy and warm, but still I had that nagging sadness, an ache that I couldn’t shake or ignore. Finally, I took some time to be alone with God. I confessed my frustration and allowed myself to explore my sadness instead of trying to shove it away. I would love to say that I became filled with joy, that all I needed was a little space to reflect, but that isn’t true. What happened was something different; it seems giving myself permission to accept my feelings at face value was the key to unlocking a dimension of the Nativity I’ve never considered.
Christmas really is the season of joy and hope, but below the surface of pretty pictures it’s also all kinds of emotions being covered by grace. Jesus was born in the midst of life interrupted. Even without Gabriel’s announcements, Mary and Joseph would’ve faced a mandatory pilgrimage ordered by the government. What about Bethlehem? The heavenly hosts weren’t the only visitors in town the night Jesus was born. It wasn’t arriving without a reservation that caused Mary and Joseph to find no room at the inn; there simply wasn’t any room. Families were displaced, travelers were weary, routines were disrupted. Many things were not going as planned. And yet, here is where God touched my heart specifically as he reminded me: God’s plan was right on schedule.
God wasn’t rushed, he wasn’t adapting to an unexpected situation, he wasn’t undone by what looked and felt like chaos. Finally, I got it. No, it still wasn’t the “Go Tell it on the Mountain” joy; it was the wonder of it all. I found the peace that comes from understanding we don’t have to “feel” like Christmas for Christ to come. We can be weary and burdened and sad on December 25 without dishonoring God. He didn’t come because the world was ready and eagerly anticipating him, he came because life is messy and the world is full of reasons to feel sad.
Bethlehem wasn’t prepared to welcome a king, Mary must’ve still been trying to wrap her brain around being chosen as the mother of God’s Son, Joseph didn’t attend childbirth classes, and the shepherds weren’t standing around discussing their views on the angels of heaven. Life was simply being lived. Days were stretching out without pretense and without having “acceptable” emotions imposed upon them. People were sad, tired, worried, happy, healthy, sick- all of the feelings involved in living another day. Then, in God’s perfect way and according to his perfect timing, Emmanuel! God is with us!
It wasn’t just into the muck and mire of a stable nursery, but down into the muck and mire of our emotions that Jesus came. This year I was reminded that God doesn’t require my joy or expect me to feel like a Norman Rockwell painting in order to prove I’m “ready” for Christmas. The irony is that being prepared means being willing to be honest and face my raw emotions as I trust that Jesus came for me in spite of my failings. Actually, he came because of my failings. Feeling compelled to belt out “Joy to the World” as I bake beautiful cookies or serve the poor isn’t a sign of being ready for Christmas. Opening myself up to really feeling is the key to being ready- sad is ok. Tired is ok. Frustrated is ok. Joy? That’s a bonus!
Reflections Along the Journey 